Which Olympic Sports Are The Most Liberal?

Normally as the Conservative Critic I would review content with all my meters asking if it’s entertaining, if it has intellectual/artistic value and if it’s liberal propaganda. But for the winter Olympics I’ve decided the only meter that hasn’t been explored is whether or not a sport can be inherently liberal. I say why not? 

Of note: I have never done any of these winter activities except skiing (by force) when I was 10 but I literally hid in the lodge (in an abandoned conference room) until the instructor gave up looking for me. This DOES actually make me an expert in case you were concerned.

So for you here is a liberal propaganda meter check of the Winter Olympic sporting events. I will not be taking questions.

Luge

Rating: Super Lib 

It’s a very foofoo sounding word plus it’s basically just really elitist sledding. LIBERAL!

Skeleton 

Rating: As American Conservative as Canadian Truckers YOU HEARD ME

Skeleton is basically Luge but you go head first like a true patriot American would instead of a little scared baby liberal luger. Plus they’re known for dope helmet art like above, Katie Uhlaender, from Colorado.

Figure Skating

Rating: Moderate libness

The primary reason for the liberal ranking of figure skating is that Tonya Harding was a MAGA American before her time and she has been done dirty by the cry baby left aka the Olympic Committee who banned her. Also Russians should never be this good at something. 

Snowboarding

Rating: MAGA 

America invented snowboarding first of all. It’s the mountainous downhill sliding sport of the PEOPLE. If snowboarding and skiing were the House and Senate of Congress, snowboarding would be the House. Recall the Disney Channel original movie, Johnny Tsunami, where the snowboarders were the every-man and the skiers were the elitist rich kids. That was art representing truth. 

Skiing

Rating: 100% liberal 

See above. Skiing, unlike snowboarding, was invented in Russia not America. It’s designed for elitists and rich people per the wisdom passed on by Johnny Tsunami. To this day skiing is a favorite activity for liberals and celebrities. More like oLIBanc skiing (like Olympic but with lib) AMIRIGHT.

Curling

Rating: Obviously MAGA

I feel like the photo of Team Schuster who represents Team USA for curling speaks for itself. Their skip, John Schuster, was actually selected as the flag bearer for Team USA because he simply drips with patriotic energy. Plus this year’s uniform includes a flat billed red cap…sound familiar? 

Speed Skating 

Rating: Left leaning

Speed Skating victories are mainly determined by who manages not to fall down. It’s basically a “who lost the least” situation. Which is very unAmerican. This sport isn’t fully liberal because Olympic All-Star speed skater Apolo Ohno is an American treasure who must be supported and cherished at all costs. 

Biathalon 

Rating: Pretty right wing

It’s shooting on skis so naturally any time a rifle is involved it’s going to lean right. But on the other hand – this is probably how Sonny Bono was murdered and he was a Republican. It basically trains Russians to hunt us down. But still adding a gun to skiing does make it better. 

Hockey

Rating: Neutral 

The fact of Miracle on Ice at the 1980 Olympics where Team USA defeated the Soviet Union against all odds gives Hockey conservative credibility, not to mention how good midwestern Americans are at playing hockey. But Justin Trudeau also really likes it so it’s also pretty liberal and therefore the two cancel each other out and it’s neutral.