BREAKING: You’ve Gotta See This New List Of Top Hook-Up Songs…For Political Leaders

It’s early February which, with Valentine’s Day around the corner, means it’s the season of love. Though our world leaders are often considered incorrigible and unfathomably terrible human beings either so incompetent they are accidentally destroying the planet or so evil they’re doing it on purpose, it’s important to humanize them and realize they do experience the deeply human emotion of love. 

They also all probably have sex and now that is in your mind and you have to think about it. 

Here are the songs I think our least loveable politicians ask Alexa to play while they have gross carnal activities with their spouses, mistresses and various degenerates making bad decisions.

Joe Biden: M.I.L.F. $ by Fergie 

Joe loves ice cream and he loves pretending Dr. Jill Biden is an ice cream cone. Their coupling soundtrack is definitely high in lactose references. 

Kamala Harris: All Day Long I Dream About Sex by J.C. Chasez

Kamala really likes her speeches and her foreplay to be extremely literal. We are here having sex because having sex is what we are here to do. J.C. Chase really comes in clutch to help her get in the most circular sexy mood possible.

Pete Buttigieg: Gonna Be (500 miles) by The Proclaimers 

Pete is obviously turned on by not understanding efficient modes of travel. That’s how he got his husband pregnant with twins literally right as he took over as Secretary of Transportation and everything fell apart. 

Justin Trudeau: Arabian Nights by the cast of Disney’s animated film, Aladdin 

Justin Trudeau loves Aladdin and thinks it’s hot as hell. He for sure got down with the date he’s groping in the blackface picture that night and he’s for sure getting down tonight to this song.

Nancy Pelosi: S&M by Rihanna 

They say Nancy is the best WHIP there ever was and I’ll BET she is. If I know anything about sex or Speakers of the House it’s that Nancy Pelosi may be bad but she’s perfectly good at it. I mean, Paul Pelosi literally just waits at home naked occasionally practicing getting hit with a hammer. That’s a sub if I’ve ever heard of one. 

Adam Schiff: Unholy by Sam Smith 

Adam Schiff has been erect on every on camera interview he has ever given accusing Donald Trump of “unholy” deeds (probably). He literally loves talking about secret dirty tricks. He wants it to be true so so so so badly. He wants it real bad.

I hope all of you have a great Valentine’s season thinking about these idiots bumping nasties to these hit songs.