BREAKING: CNN Is Shaking Things Up After Their Big Fat FAILING Ratings! Will It Help?

Is CNN finally waking up from their partisan daydreams!?!

The network master of biased reporting and liberal fanfare, has reluctantly come to terms with a reality as obvious as a neon sign in Times Square: their ratings are plummeting faster than a lead balloon at a helium party. It’s like they’ve stumbled upon a mirror and finally realized that Donald Trump has been right about them all along.

In a move that’s equivalent to rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic, CNN has decided to play musical anchors in a desperate attempt to salvage their sinking ship. It’s like watching a frantic game of chess where the pieces are sinking in quicksand.

The mighty duo of Chris Cuomo and Don Lemon, the champions of left-wing sermons, have been shown the exit doors. Cuomo’s departure was no surprise after his dramatic exit in December 2021, while Lemon, once a morning star, got kicked out faster than you can say “biased tirades and journalistic integrity are overrated.”

Enter Abby Phillip and Laura Coates, the fresh faces who are expected to perform the impossible feat of injecting balance into CNN’s lopsided narrative. Will they succeed? Well, with CNN’s history of bending facts like a contortionist, don’t hold your breath for a complete transformation.

And as if shuffling anchors were their only salvation, CNN is giving their morning and weekend shows a makeover too. Phil Mattingly is now sharing the spotlight on “CNN This Morning,” possibly to distract from the void left by Lemon’s departure and the toss-aside of Kaitlan Collins, the former Daily Caller reporter.

Weekends get their own makeover as well, with Victor Blackwell delivering left-leaning insights at 8:00 a.m., Chris Wallace attempting impartiality at 10:00 a.m. (as subtle as a bullhorn at a library), and Christiane Amanpour swooping in at 11:00 a.m. like the grand dame of liberal journalism.

But wait, there’s more! CNN’s profits have taken a nosedive, sinking below the billion-dollar mark like a lead weight in a stormy sea. Streaming services are exposing their lack of appeal, and their ratings among the coveted 25-54 demographic have hit rock bottom, a far cry from their glory days.

Even their leadership is crumbling like a house of cards in a breeze. Former President Chris Licht got the boot in June, a sign that the era of liberal theatrics is finally catching up to them. As they juggle anchors like circus performers trying to regain their lost audience, it’s hard not to think that CNN’s ship has sailed, leaving only a trail of biased journalism and theatrical antics.

This probably won’t save them – but it’s nice to watch them try!