BREAKING: Is The Liberal Push For Paper Straws Actually POISONING People?

Ever had the sheer frustration of wrestling with a paper straw that morphs into a soggy disaster before your drink’s even halfway done?

Apparently, that annoyance is the least of our worries when it comes to using those nasty straws.

The latest research is throwing shade at those touted-as-saintly paper straws – you know, the so-called eco-friendly replacements for plastic. The supposedly virtuous substitutes might have a dirty secret – a sneaky dose of “forever chemicals” that could be giving you more than you bargained for in the health department.

Time to dig into the nitty-gritty: There’s this swanky new study that’s strutting its stuff in the esteemed pages of ‘Food Additives and Contaminants’. This scientific spectacle delved into the world of 39 diverse straw brands, giving special attention to the presence of poly and perfluoroalkyl substances (PFAS). Hold onto your hats, because what they unearthed isn’t just fascinating, it’s a head-scratcher – a good chunk of these straws, particularly the oh-so-noble paper and bamboo ones, were caught red-handed with traces of these sketchy chemicals.

Particularly, it’s those “forever chemicals,” PFAs, that liberals seem to love. It’s like they’re the vampires of the chemical world, refusing to disappear for ages on end. They’ve got quite the rap sheet too, linked to all sorts of health hiccups, from thyroid troubles and cholesterol chaos to potential liver drama and even certain types of cancer.

Now, let the numbers do the talking: A closer look at the smorgasbord of straw brands reveals a downright unsettling prevalence of PFAS:

• A jaw-dropping 90% of paper straws
• An eyebrow-raising 80% of bamboo straws
• A solid 75% of plastic straws
• A curveball of 40% with glass straws

Interestingly, steel straws stood at a commendable 0% in terms of PFAS content.

Why haven’t we heard any liberals pushing for those? Do they just love poison?