Is Madame Web the new Morbius? 

Last week Madame Web made its way to streaming via Netflix. Starring Dakota Johnson and current ‘it girl’ Sydney Sweeney (Euphoria), Madame Web is based on a Marvel comic series which is part of the Spider-Man story but is not part of the well known Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). A product of Sony Pictures (as opposed to Disney), Madame Web is part of the Sony Marvel (Spider-Man) franchise which also features the cult classic Morbius. 

Much like its cousin Morbius, Madame Web performed badly in the box office and received terrible reviews (11% on Rotten Tomatoes…pretty bleak). But is Madame Web like Morbius in that it’s so bad it circles back to being a masterpiece? 

The Conservative Critic asks: Is it entertaining? Does it have artistic/intellectual value? Is it liberal propaganda?

The Conservative Critic: Madame Web 

Overall Rating: Not a fun bad

Madame Web is very bad and unfortunately it’s not the fun kind like Morbius. The major problem with Madame Web is that it is excruciatingly boring. It’s slow paced and the plot recovers ground many times without adding in any new information. The talent roster is surprisingly strong with several A-list names attached to the project but none are given any room to perform and those with the space are given shallow characterization and clunky writing. 

The story follows Dakota Johnson ( as Cassandra Webb in the origin story of becoming Madame Web. With the use of special powers she connects to three girls Sydney Sweeney as Julia Cornwall, Isabel Merced (Instant Family) as Anya Corazon, and Celeste O’Connor (Ghost Busters: Afterlife) as Mattie Franklin who are being pursued by bad guy Ezekiel Sims played by Tahar Rahim (Napoleon). Adventure ensues. Or more accurately, adventure is supposed to ensue but never does.

Overall it’s a boring, needless, waste of talent and concept. 

Is it entertaining? 

Rating: Very slow

Madame Web makes the critical mistake of revealing all of its cards in the first 10 minutes of the movie. From that point, the audience knows everything and has to sit and watch the characters figure out everything that they already know. There is no new revelation or information to keep the audience invested. The film literally replays everything the audience already knows in a very slow sequence and calls it plot. 

On top of that, the action sequences are also literally slow. The bad guy has special powers and yet he struggles to overtake three teenagers who simply shuffle away from him at a very modest pace every time he appears. 

There are a few small moments of humor but nothing close to enough to make up for the tedious pace of the story. 

Does it have artistic/intellectual value? 

Rating: Not at all

The characterization of the three girls is at best bad and at worst a little gross. Sweeney is an adult woman in real life but in the movie she plays a young teenager. The character is dressed in a “catholic school girl” outfit complete with very fake looking classes and a tiny mini skirt with thigh high socks. Its comically bad and also a little gross. The character of Mattie is a “skater girl” and they really play up the skateboarding to absurdity like when she “skateboards” down scaffolding. 

For some reason the girls, lead by Johnson’s “Cassie”, run really slowly. They are being chased by an evil baddie with super powers and they truly just sort of shuffle out of the way at every turn and somehow he never gets them. I don’t know why the editing was done this way instead of tricking the eye into some speed or urgency but it really comes off as “low urgency.”

The acting actually is not terrible except on the part of Sweeney (to be fair, the character is abysmally written) but no one is given a chance to do any acting. Most of the movie is just Dakota Johnson bopping around confused. Johnson does a good job being confused and at times even funny and relatable. But it’s not enough to fix that she’s just walking around for most of the movie. 

The only part of the movie that is so bad that it elevates to being kind of iconic is the very last scene. Truly heinous scene. In structure, in visuals, in dialogue. All of it. *Chefs kiss* of bad.

Is it liberal propaganda? 

Rating: No political themes

Donald Trump might think the movie was liberal because it’s “low energy” like Joe Biden. But other than that there are no political themes at all. 

Conclusion 

Unfortunately Madame Web is the not fun kind of bad that doesn’t warrant a hate watch or a cult sensation. It’s mostly just boring.