What Do You Mean TMZ Will Not Be Reporting Live From The Conclave?

Pope Francis passed away Easter Monday, April the 21st of 2025 and so begins the process of replacing the highest leader of the Catholic Church. If any of you are Catholic or have seen the movie The Conclave you know that the process to replace the Pope includes gathering cardinals together at the Vatican and sequestering them for a series of votes until 2/3rds majority have selected a new Pope. It’s pretty cool, all 135 cardinals of voting age gather in the Sistine Chapel as they have done since 1858. When a Pope is chosen, they will send up a puff of white smoke and then make the announcement from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica. This process is called the Conclave. 

The Catholic Church considers this a deeply holy experience (which I respect greatly even though I am a protestant). For that reason as well as protecting the process from outside influence, no one is allowed inside the Conclave except the voting cardinals and the appropriate Vatican staff. So the rest of us out here in the world don’t get the gossip we so desperately crave. 

Here is who I’d love to see at the Conclave to get all the hottest tips about who is going to be the next Pope: 

Emily of Emily in Paris 

Emily is ready to rebrand the Conclave despite the fact that it is in no need of rebranding. Finding problems where none exist is what Emily does best! And she’s an expert, all she has to do is take a selfie video and post it to her instagram and it’s going to go viral. The Conclave was completely lost without her #socialmedia expertise. 

Andy Cohen of Bravo 

Andy Cohen could host his signature Whats What Happens Live style ‘after show’ for the Conclave sessions. He could put cardinals in uncomfortable seating arrangements and bring up fresh hurts and poke at old wounds to ensure the best show of our lives. Maybe he can even have one of the Real Housewives show up or Tom Sandoval from  Vanderpump Rules. 

Karen from Mean Girls 

Karen’s ‘fifth sense’ can give us the information we really need. Is it raining currently outside the Conclave ? Or isn’t it? 

Candace Owens 

No one has been getting to the truth lately like Candace Owens on her quest to unveil Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds in the whole Justin Baldoni scandal. If you don’t know what this is about, check it out. Plus, she’s been at the center of uncovering the truth about Brigitte Macron’s biological gender. If anyone can prevent The Conclave from playing out at the Conclave, its CO. 

Timothy Chalamet and Pat McAfee doing ‘College GameDay’ Pope edition

Never has there been a higher hype prediction segment than Timothy Chalamet on College GameDay. He could riff off Pat McAfee and pick the next Pope with 100% accuracy even against all the odds and the experts. The vibes would be peak.

J. Jonah Jameson from Spiderman 

J. Jonah Jameson is there to reveal which Cardinal might be Spiderman and he is going to find out. 

Joe Rogan, Dana White and Theo Von ringside coverage 

We need Joe Rogan but we need him peak ringside along with Dana White and Theo Von to give us peak reactions for every blow by blow of the Conclave. We need the level of hype we get at MMA with these guys right there in the Sistine Chapel.