It’s Mardi Gras And Here Is What Your Favorite Politicians Are Giving Up For Lent 

It’s Mardi Gras which means it’s the last day to fill up on fun and celebration before the season of Lent where many recognize personal sacrifice in order to honor Christ’s ultimate sacrifice. Here’s what I think our ~favorite~ politicians are drinking about today and planning to give up tomorrow: 

Ron DeSantis is giving up his terrible team of grifters for Lent (hopefully)

This one is wishful thinking but I really hope Ron DeSantis -who was once the chosen prince and future President of the United States – totally clears house on the people who are quite literally destroying his future before our very eyes by antagonizing the most motivated population of conservative voters since maybe ever, the Ultra MAGA. He was once the next President Trump and considered the chosen heir but thanks to the absolutely idiotic strategy of posturing as a Trump “alternative”  now people say his name in the same breath as Nikki Haley who couldn’t be more disliked on the right. In the course of two months choosing to try and rival the true leader of the party, President Trump, he has morphed into an even more tragic version of Chris Christie than Chris Christie. So maybe for Lent he gives up bad advice. 

Joe Biden is giving up Ohio for Lent

For Joe Biden, Ohio is just an unnecessary weight on his life. The whole “toxic water and deadly poisonous air” issue is really getting in the way of focusing real Americans re: Ukraine. Lent is the perfect time to give up Ohio to better his spiritual connection to Zelensky. 

For Lent, Nancy Pelosi is going to try really hard to give up eating the souls of sacrificed democratic staffers

Nancy Pelosi is 437 years young and her power has been long sustained by feasting on the souls of young, well-meaning progressive interns and staffers. The sacrifices are delicious and effective but man, the sodium will get you. Nancy is ready to switch to a healthier alternative and start feasting on the souls of small animals. But she’s tried to give up human souls for Lent before and has never been able to do it. Maybe this year!

Meghan and Harry are giving up South Park for Lent 

South Park has attacked Harry and Meghan and injured them to their core. For Lent this year they’re cutting out toxic things in their life. Plus, like, whatever they didn’t even like South Park so. Whatever. It’s racist, everyone is racist, everything is racist and everyone is mean and stuff and anyway they have a new reality show to focus on (probably). 

For Lent, Pete Buttigieg is giving up pretending he knows what he’s doing 

Lent is the perfect time for Pete to simplify all of our lives. It’s very clear he has no idea what the Secretary of Transportation is responsible for or how to manage any of the associated crises like the train derailments, supply chain crisis, both in-land and oceanic port labor disputes, currently under his purview (probably how would he know?). Now in the time of letting go and sacrifice is the time to just say: hey! Let’s cut the crap. I really have no idea what to do. It’s gonna feel great for all of us.

James O’Keefe is giving up low-energy backstabbers for lent

It’s not clear what will become of the Project Veritas ousting of James O’Keefe or what his next move may be but what is very clear is that he will not be hanging with the RINO low-energy coattail jockeys who filled his boardroom before. New day, new groupies. 

Happy Mardi Gras all? Maybe we should give up politicians for Lent.